Chris!

Screw Everything I've Written Before

This is my fresh start. Period. Seriously, so much has changed in my life since I last blogged. I'm sure some of the stuff I want to write about will anger some people. I don't care anymore.

Chapter One- I have been extremely overwhelmed lately. I have started going to therapy because of my relationship with my dad and have since been loosely diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety. Don't those words scare you? God, they scare me.

I don't want to deal with that right now, but it's a chapter anyone reading this has missed.

Chapter Two- It's weird. I feel like I have to explain to you, reader, everything about my life. But I'm not going to go into so many details anymore. Basically, I have gone through a stressful friend situation. Again. And I am just going to say names and everything now. Sue me. Haha

When I stopped being friends with Maite, it changed who I was completely. I never thought of myself as dependent until we broke apart and I realized that I had trouble standing up and functioning without her friendship. Well, I thought I'd never make that mistake again.
WRONG!

Lindsay and Alexa never really treated me like I belonged anyway. Who am I kidding, I knew I didn't. So, I've gotten sick of being the doormat. Sick of being the person to blame and the butt of the joke. And I branched away from them.

And now, I have this really amazing new friend, Dylan. She is an amazingly sweet person and I am so excited to have a friend like her. She, like me, got involved with people who treated her like less than she was. I am glad we found each other. It's definetly a start of a great friendship.

(And my heart goes out to my amazing new friend who left to Wyoming this morning because her Grandma passed. R.I.P.)

Chapter Three- Have you ever been completely in love with someone you know well but don't see all that often? Haha. Welcome to my life.


The end. For tonight.

Glad To Be Back,
Samantha Harmon

New Perspective

"I feel the salty waves come in. I feel them crash against my skin. And I smile as I respire because I know they'll never win. There is a haze above my tv that changes everything I see and maybe if I continue watching I'll lose that traits that worry me... Stop there- and let me correct it, I want to live a life from a new perspective. You come along because I love your face and I'll admire your expensive taste. And who cares, divine intervention. I want to be praised from a new perspective, but leaving now would be a good idea, so catch me up on getting out of here."
- Panic At the Disco
Good song. (: A lot of truth to it, don't you think?

Mexico- Summertime at It's Finest!

Sorry everyone. Its been almost exactly a month since I have posted a blog and there has been quite a bit to say about that period of time.

I think I should start at the first week of summer. My vacation to Club Med Ixtapa Pacific in Zihuatanejo, Mexico was amazing. It was my first foreign (if you could call it that) experience. When we arrived in Zihuatanejo, we had the worst cab ride of my life from the airport to the actual club, which took around twenty minutes. There were plenty of suburbans and vans that were not being used, but no, we were assigned to the smallest car possible. The four of us, my dad, sister, uncle and myself, we squished into this tiny car and our lugage was strapped into the trunk with bungee cords because it clearly would not fit.

One thing I noticed immediately when driving through the small cities to get to our destination was that there was a speed limit, but it was definetly more of a guideline. Apparently, Mexico is in the middle of an election right now, so there were many posters and signs campaigning for these men. I saw signs for four of the candidates, but apparently there are more. The cities we drove through to get to Club Med were tiny, but booming little places. One had four car dealerships! It was definetly a sight.

After the smoldering twenty minute drive to Club Med, we had finally arrived. Since there is quite a bit of violence going on in Mexico right now, the club took extra precautions and had armed guards at the entry. Once we had passed them, we were suddenly thrust into this amazing little turnabout. Obviously we were excited. The first real view we had seen all day, other than from the plane, was of the boundless ocean and the small Ixtapa Island out in the distance. Once we were unloaded at reception, we were offered ice cold lemonade and moist, cold towels to use to cool down. My sister, Hayley, and I loved it at first sight. The women we met at reception were G.O.'s. We soon learned that G.O. stood for gracious organizer and believe me, every single one of them lived up to the title.

Before I get too into my numerous G.O. stories (which are worth the wait), I want to tell you a little bit about Club Med and the are we were in. Club Med is a French company, so naturally, many of the guests and the G.O.'s speak French. I found it a great opportunity to practice what I had learned so far, which apparently was a lot more than I had thought. Club Med Ixtapa Pacific recently went through a 27 million dollar renovation. Everything looked new enough to look cool, but just worn enough to be inviting! Our room was amazing. The view was great and we overlooked the soccer field and lagoon. The building our room was in was called Iguana, because right outside by the lagoon, there were hundreds! They would just walk in the grass and straight through the walking path. It was amazing!

Now, after we had settled in (hardly), my sister and I really wanted to go to the beach. The water in Mexico is perfect. It isn't hot but it isn't Santa Cruz, either. That first day, we didn't go in the water because we were deathly afraid of sting rays and other ocean creatures. We got over it fairly quickly. Everynight at Club Med, the G.O. team, consisting of about 200 twenty and thirty somethings from all over the world, put on a show. Our first night, we missed the hip hop show but arrived in time for family game night, which was a blast. This is where we meet Marina, 'our G.O.' as we called her. Marina, Hayley, and I immediately clicked. She was fun and had us do some crazy stuff. She was like a mentor. She taught us the ropes (i.e. which guys liked tourists, who was skanky, who had hooked up, who was married, etc.). It was so fun and I speak for both my sister and myself when I say that I miss her dearly.

Marina wasn't the only G.O. that our family bonded with. Club Med offers tons of activities throughout your stay. The day of the first nighttime poker tournament, they had offered poker lessons. My family loves poker, but we aren't great at it. So we showed up to the lesson. Topher, a redhead from Louisiana, was the G.O. who ran everything tennis and poker. We instantly bonded with him. (I even had a dream about marrying him during the week! Hahaha). Topher was really awesome and I miss him too! We played in two poker tournaments during our stay, which was fun for me because it's like, 2 a.m. and everyones still at the bar playing poker. I felt extremely grown up.

Another G.O. who affected my stay a lot was Damien. Damien is the all american boy who ran the sports and games and whatnot. When I first heard about pool games, I was like. "Uhmmm. NO!" But I ended up getting into it on our second day there and I beat my family every single day, which I didn't let them forget. Damien called me 'all star' because apparently I scored the most on my team in two out of three point games. (Water basketball and water polo twice!) Later that week I beat my sister at kayak tog of war and at kayak gladiator! I even got a medal! I'm so proud of it haha.

Patrick and Lucas were awesome too. Patrick is the G.O. trainer and HOTTEST one there. Lucas did the flying trapeeze, which I will tell you about in a later post. Lucas was super nice and funny. Patrick was funny and cheezy and cute! I really enjoyed meeting all of them and we still keep in touch! I will be posting some pictures and a lot more stories later on this week!

Something new;.

I've decided to star doing something kind of fun and entertaining, at leastg for me, haha! So, every post from now on is going to have a couple of random words that I'm going to find. What I'll do is I will grrab the nearest book to me, flip it open, find a word that I don't know, and define it on here!

Souind fun? It's never boring to increase your vocabulary!

Our words for today come from my history text, Prentice Hall- World History!

Entente: a nonbinding agreement to follow common policies.

Surrealism: a movement that attempted to portray the workings of the unconcious mind.

Prom.

I know it's like a year away, but I'm already stressing. This is what ASB does to people. Drives them insane. Sometimes, I hate knowing all of the details.

with age comes conviction.

The group! Courtney, Kylie, Me, Alex, Mia and Bobbi!

She is 99 years old!

This is Eva holding Kylie's hand. She has alzheimers and talks in an etremely low voice. We'd worked with her last year. She was so sweet and wanted to leave with us.

This is Donna, one of the most functioning women we talked to, with Mia. She was a riot!

This is Alex with Mary, who was an actress and model in her time. She posed for every picture.




This is Courtney with one of the women who didn't speak very well. She was adorable, though. And she never left her hat. She even put it on after she'd had her hair done.

I have come to a realization. After our trip to the nursing home friday, I figured out why this year had gone so much smoother and easier.

When you work face to face with these men and women, you realize that these people have been on this planet so much longer than you have. Not only are they passionate about the few things they can still do, but many of them, even through alzheimers and other diseases, aren't afraid to speak up for themselves and what they believe in. I'd never thought about that before.

Hard Experiences.

As you may or may not know, I am extremely involved in my school's ASB program. Last year, my friends Mia, Bobbi, Alex and I organized a little community sevice project that changed my outlook on life. Last mother's day, we visited a nursing home. This nursing home is actually similar to a hospital. You know, one of those places that you walk in and just feel the sadness overwhelm you.

We were able to get mny volunteer stylist to style the women's hair. We painted their nails. Alex played piano. The look in some of the women's eyes will stay with me forever. It was an amazing and life altering experience. This year, we have planned in again.

With the news spreading about my project, we needed to make sure we got more communtity and school involvment. We have added three new members to our team this year, freshmen Kylie, Courtney and Allison. We have also been able to get the community involved by going to local buisinesses and asking for donations of store credit, flowers, balloons, pots or soil. The reaction we recieved gave me the chills. These people were so excited that teenagers cared this much.

I will never forget one woman who had her hair done last year. I remember when I saw her I knew she wss very old and very sick. I felt ters build up just holding a conversation. She knows more about the world than I do and probably ever will. When she'd had her hair done, she began to cry hysterically and tell us she didn't like it. I remember Bobbi just sobbed watching. It wasn't until a few minutes later after the woman was calm and brought back to her room that a nurse approached Bobbi, Mia and myself. She told us that the woman wasn't crying because she didn't like her hair, but she was crying because of the fact that her own children would never do such a thing for her.

This woman was old and sick but she was one of the most talkative of the group. I went to her room with my friend Bobbi and she appologized and repeated the story about her son and two daughters. The only thing I could tell her was that we would visit her again. She just smiled and Bobbi gave her a hug. I don't think either of us will ever forget that moment. Bobbi went back to visit her twice, the first time the woman remembered Bobbi from the picture we'd taken, printed and framed for her that day we'd visited. The second time, Bobbi was informed of the woman's passing. Bobbi didn't cry this time, but she told me that she hoped her children had visited her again.

Another woman I remember was about 87. She was a very small, American Indian woman and she didn't speak much english. She was adorable and completely fragile. When one of the stylists, Margaret had finished styling her hair, the woman talked to her nurse and her nurse told us that she was very grateful. I smiled at her and offered to paint her nails. She agreed and simply said "Red. Red is sassy" in a thick accent. I was informed of her passing when I went to Pacific Hills Manor (the home) to plan this year's event.

This year, when we go back, I am going to make sure to make these women happy. Some of them have sad stories. Some are just older. I really appreciate the time I get to spend with everyone of them and am excited for Friday morning.

Love and Other Disasters.

I guess in writing this blog, I'd hope that someday, somethings about my life will be clear to me.

Now here's the REAL dreaded love blog, kay?

My closest brush with love was probably nothing more than a mutual infatuation. Matt and I dated last year for about four months. Thinking back, I probably wouldn't have acted the way I did. I was a completely different person then.

Basically, Matt and I met at school but completely hit it off on a trip to Great America with a group of mutual friends. The only thing I really remember about him that day was the fact that he was really the first person who had really flirted with me. He'd smile at me like I was important. I liked him immediately.

Of course, I had no idea that he liked me. I remember he had baseball practice that day and he and a few of our friends were on his team. We were in line for the Grizzly. I think I was with my friend Luz, and I remember her telling me how she knew that I wouldn't want to ride with boys that I didn't know. She wasn't the sharpest tack in the box.

So Matt and Jackson, his best friend at the time who was dating Luz, sat behind us. When we were walking back to our friends after the ride, Matt asked me for my number. I think he said it was just in case he needed English homework.

Anyway, Matt and I were sorta inseparable after that. We hung out on the weekends, I asked him to Sadies, and he finally asked me out. It was fun while it lasted, but Matt wasn't what I wanted. He was a really inexperienced with relationships, and I wasn't. Not really. Things ended fairly badly. I broke up with him. And we didn't talk until he dated my best friend.

This was a longs story, but when you think about past relationships and crushes, you notice how much you've matured and changed. Not to say Matt hasn't, because he's still a majorly cool guy but he's so much more mature now. We sit next to each other in English this year. When I think about that 'relationship' and how much I learned, I know that I want to find someone. I don't need to 'find love' like all of these dramatic reality shows, but I wouldn't mind finding someone to like.

Love is a touchy subject for me. I'm still not sure if I fully believe in it. I don't know anyone who is head over heels in love with someone. My parents are divorced. I mean, I know it exists, but how can I expect myself to believe in something I've never seen.

Love to me is honestly one of the few things I want to be a fairytale. Maybe not the whole princess/prince thing, but I just want someone who likes me through every flaw. Like in 'Beauty and the Beast' or 'Snow White' or 'Cinderella'.


I don't want any judgements on this post. Sure, comment it with your beliefs but don't insult me or mine.

Thanks.

When you looked me in the eye,

were you telling the truth about the way you feel, the way you feel, tonight.

Please don't leave me here, broken and begging for more, 'cause I can't take this tonight.

Do your hands shake like mine? Does your heart echo with vacant beats?

--"Chapstick" by Sleepwell

These guys live in my community. Look 'em up. Their lyrics are amazing.

Just thought I'd give you those to ponder. What do you take from those lyrics? Do they relate to anything you've experienced.

Okay, y'all. It's time for the dreaded love blog.

I've been thinking about it lately. Love and other disasters. I'm a sophomore in high school. I wouldn't considder myself ready for such a commitment.

But I have to wonder, what would I do if love were right in front of my face?

No clue.

More soon. Sorry, Mom's in Hawaii and I'm going back and forth between houses. This means that I may not have all that much time to blog this week. I'll try my best.

-Sam

Bar Stools and Bad Moods.

I know, the title makes me sound like an alcholic. But I spent this weekend thinking deeply about my relationships with those around me. I did most of this thinking, actually, on a bar stool in Auburn, California at one of the nicest homes I have seen in my entire life.

I began this thought process by thinking of by relationship with my best friend, Lindsay. Lindsay hasn't talked to me for a week for reasons unknown. When I began to blame Lindsay for this, for me not knowing what is wrong with her, I realized, Lindsay needs a friend just as much as I do. She can't only be the shoulder I cry on. I need to let her lay her thoughts and tears down sometimes too.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a good friend. I feel I am especially good friend to Lindsay, whom I immediately bonded with when we met. But sometimes I feel lost in my friendships. There needs to be a balance and I can never seem to find the equal ground.

More tommorow.
night.

Who I am hates who I've been.

I guess I'm just really in the mood to write today.

The last few days have been more than a little stressful. I've almost survived my eighth year of STAR testing. (For those lucky few of you who dont know what this is, it is Standardized testing and Reporting. Basically, its a state test that gives the schools a ranking.) It's like being a teenager isn't enough, so they think adding a stupid, generalized, and LONG test that doesn't even count for a grade is a good idea.

Like being me isn't hard enough right now. I want, more than anything, to be on my own now. To leave my house and become an adult. Why wish away my teen years? Because I'm the good kid. I don't do anything bad. I don't do what everyone else is doing. If this is the way they want people to be, why is it so hard? No, not that resisting temptation and all that jazz is hard. But being one of the kids who is just naturally expected to do well or to never make mistakes is hard.

And okay, here is something extremely personal that you can take for what its worth. I want to change. To be better. To be someone other than who I am right now. It's pathetic really, but it's how I feel and I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. Don't you ever see someone and wonder what it would be like to live their life? I know I do.

Everyone has always told me that happiness is a state of mind. And there are certain people who make me happy without even trying. Thanks. :)

Just FYI to all of you who are reading this: I'm not always this over dramatic. I'm just trying to figure my life out.

Yesterday my mom asked me a question. "Sam, how can you let someone else know the real you if you're questioning who you really are?"

This is what I know about the real me:
-I cry a lot, just to relieve stress and I'm not embarassed by that.
-I'm a witty person, but comedy isn't my only release.
-I like to write.
-I love with all of my heart and hate letting people know when my heart has been broken.
-I'm extremely caring.
-I'm passionate
-I'm stubborn.

there's more that I eally don't want to write.

I've become someone I'm not. But how do I stop being that person? I really hate her.

30 Facts.

I saw this in a magazine today, and thought "What the hell!"
These are thirty things that I'd bet you didn't know about me!


1. I have a stepdad and I have never met his kids, Dylan and Ella, who are both in their mid to late twenties

2. I really love thinking in general. I love being able to contemplate the universe.

3. I'm religious in a way that I believe in and love God, but choose not to conform to any certain religion. (But I was baptized Catholic)

4. I'm a lot less liberal than people think, but I'm not conservative.

5. I'm writing a novel!

6. I want to adopt children from Japan or China someday. And that's not me following the celebrity adoption trend, I simply have a passion for helping kids.

7. I'm totally straight edge, but you probably wouldn't know it if you put my ipod on shuffle. :)

8. Most of the people I call my 'extended family' aren't really related to me! All of my dad's best friends and their wives are my aunts and uncles and their kids are my cousins.

9. I'm Irish, French, British and very Portugese, but no one would guess that.

10. I love teachers who challenge me on not only an educational level, but a personal level. (Mrs. Audino and Ms. Simpson)

11. I LOATHE anything related to math.

12. I'm getting a tattoo when I turn eighteen. It's going to say "je t'aime encore" with a heart at the end. (It means I Still Love You in french and its for my grandmother who passed away a few years ago. She was my best friend.)

13. I'd go to school in sweats everyday if I had a choice.

14. I love the Beach Boys. They're my favorite band of all time.

15. I love reading. Period.

16. I'm a supporter of gay marrige.

17. Next school year, I am the Associated Student Body Secretary.

18. I am not a follower. I'm the furthest thing from it, actually.

19. I stand up for my friends and I think that is one of my most admired qualities.

20. I second guess everything I do.

21. I clean my room every single morning before school. I can't focus in clutter.

22. I hate driving.

23. I cuss, which is really unattractive.

24. I think I'm too much of a good girl and am still waiting for the day where that will pay off.

25. I'm secretly jealous about practically everything.

26. I have crushes on people you probably wouldn't expect.

27. I like dating older guys.

29. I don't want to go to a junior college. I'm afraid my family would be disappointed.

30. I would give a lot to go back to last year and change the way things turned out.

A question.

For all of you out there with friends. Yes, that is a very general description. But I've come to find in the last few days that being 'A friend' and 'The friend' are two different things.

'A Friend' tries really hard to be friends with someone, but doesn't know exactly what the other person wants out of the friendship. Is it a trusted ally? A confidant? Or even, God forbid, a garbage can?

'The Friend' doesn't exist. 'The Friend' is a person everyone, or mostly everyone (which is why this blog is directed toward those with friends, no offense to anyone) has created in their mind. Want to hear mine? Too bad, I'm telling you anyway.
My ideal friend:
-Wants to be with me all the time
-Cares about practicality
-Laughs at my jokes
-Makes his/her own jokes
-Lets me cry to them
-Isn't afraid to cry to me


I have never met someone with all of these qualities, especially in a friendship. So why is it that we, as friends, are held to these high, unfair standards? Why can't be be accepted for who we are? Or even better, why can't we accept those who aren't 'The Friend' for who they are an love 'em anyway?




I hate friend trouble. Let me know if you have an generic advice. :)
Goodnight.

Sam's Blogging Again?

So I have decided to start yet another blog. I guess it's only logical. I have one of the most hectic, crazy, hilarious, and downright weird life out of anyone I know. So I guess writing about it is only fair!

Well, he goes nothing. My life. In words. I'll try to update as much as I possibly can.



4/27/09-

I started this marvelous monday (not!) out by getting up at six a.m. for zero period! Woohoo! I picked Katie up at six forty for our monday morning coffee treat. We got to school at seven, ready for class at seven ten. During zero period, my fellow sophomore student government leaders and I started planning junior prom, which is fun!

Possible Themes:

-Arabian Nights

-Paris

-Vegas Strip

-A Night on the Town (NYC)

What's your favorite?

Got any suggestions?



After zero period leadership, I have beginning dance with most of my best friends! Lindsay, Alexa, Tori and Ali! There is always something insane happening in that small group of people. Today, we put the finishing touches on our dance to "It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls! Which is really cool, I mean that we finished it, because honestly, the dance sucks. I love my dance teacher, don't get me wrong. But in Lindsay's words "Her body may not need all of the space in front of the mirrors, but her ego sure does!" So true.

After dance I have world history with one of my favorite teachers, Ms. Goliti. She's so cool and fun and her and I always have really fun conversations. Sometimes, we even talk about politics. (Shhh! Don't tell. Teachers can't do that stuff!) But today was not a funny day in her class. Today, we began watching "Hotel Rwanda" with Don Cheadle. I've heard it's a tear jerker.

Third period is math. We took three standardized testing review group quizzes, and Michael Lopes, the genius I sit next to in this class, spent the majority of the period buzzzing through problems and laughing at me. :(

Fourth period sucks, plain and simple. So really, there's nothing I need to say about Geology. Go look at a rock.

Fifth is french, which also sucks. Katie and I always crack each other up in this class. "Je vais aller de cremerie, je achete du lait! Tu vas a la cremerie aussi! Now... how about that...?"

Sixth period Advanced English is where all of the fun really happens! You'd have to be there, that's all I have to say!



After school I did the basics! Worked on homework and a book report, ate dinner, cleaned my room. But the best part of today was probably the A.A. meeting I went to with my family.

If you don't know what A.A. is, go look it up. Basically, the organization saved both my mother and my stepdad's lives. Both struggled with addiction. And today, my stepdad Mark was the chair of the meeting, and it was extremely emotional. His shared his story and I cried. If anyone knows someone struggling with addiction, get them help!


thanks for reading!
more coming later on this week!