Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Who I am hates who I've been.

I guess I'm just really in the mood to write today.

The last few days have been more than a little stressful. I've almost survived my eighth year of STAR testing. (For those lucky few of you who dont know what this is, it is Standardized testing and Reporting. Basically, its a state test that gives the schools a ranking.) It's like being a teenager isn't enough, so they think adding a stupid, generalized, and LONG test that doesn't even count for a grade is a good idea.

Like being me isn't hard enough right now. I want, more than anything, to be on my own now. To leave my house and become an adult. Why wish away my teen years? Because I'm the good kid. I don't do anything bad. I don't do what everyone else is doing. If this is the way they want people to be, why is it so hard? No, not that resisting temptation and all that jazz is hard. But being one of the kids who is just naturally expected to do well or to never make mistakes is hard.

And okay, here is something extremely personal that you can take for what its worth. I want to change. To be better. To be someone other than who I am right now. It's pathetic really, but it's how I feel and I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. Don't you ever see someone and wonder what it would be like to live their life? I know I do.

Everyone has always told me that happiness is a state of mind. And there are certain people who make me happy without even trying. Thanks. :)

Just FYI to all of you who are reading this: I'm not always this over dramatic. I'm just trying to figure my life out.

Yesterday my mom asked me a question. "Sam, how can you let someone else know the real you if you're questioning who you really are?"

This is what I know about the real me:
-I cry a lot, just to relieve stress and I'm not embarassed by that.
-I'm a witty person, but comedy isn't my only release.
-I like to write.
-I love with all of my heart and hate letting people know when my heart has been broken.
-I'm extremely caring.
-I'm passionate
-I'm stubborn.

there's more that I eally don't want to write.

I've become someone I'm not. But how do I stop being that person? I really hate her.

1 comment:

  1. Sam. This is pretty sad. Sad in a very moving way. Good stuff.

    ReplyDelete